I confess there are times when I think Chris is playing it up.

The heavy breathing, the grunt of exertion as he lifts the water jug into the fridge.  He leans heavily on the counter, his breath coming almost in gasps.  Finally his breathing settles down.

He asks me to carry his mug of coffee into the bedroom for him, asks if I’ll make a cup of tea and join him?  I’m thinking he can carry his own mug, and I have work to do.

Then I realize how very ungracious that thinking is.

The man has severe coronary artery disease.  His cardiologist who has had extensive experience with this condition has put in writing that it is the most severe and pervasive he has seen in his practice.

That was over a year ago, and the only thing that has changed is also documented:  it has gotten worse.

So even if the man wants to ham it up a little, who am I to judge?

Maybe he just wants me to have the audible of what’s going on inside him, of how he feels as opposed to how he seems.

This accompaniment is not available to others, only myself, and I wonder if I shouldn’t feel somehow privileged to be the only one allowed this very personal insight into his world.

 Or maybe he is just playing me.

 I’ve come to realize it really doesn’t matter.  Whether it is a true reflection of his feelings or just a show for sympathy is irrelevant and unknowable.

All I can ever know looking back from one day in the future, will be how I responded.

Did I respect his pain?  Accept the way in which he has chosen to handle his condition?  Allow him dignity in the face of his body’s response to his illness?

Did I give him the comfort he reached out for?  Offer the humour that turns a tough moment into one where he ends up cajoling me?

In this journey we are taking here together, I have come to one irrevocable conclusion: I must always accept Chris’ outward manifestation of his discomfort as valid.

And respond accordingly.

Yours Truly,

Margaret Jean