With this diagnosis, the admission that all that can be done now is medicate to make him more comfortable in a deteriorating condition, his world has radically altered.

And shock waves reverberate in mine.

For twenty one years, ever since his first heart attack, this man has told me every day that he is dying.  Over the years I have come to take it lightly.

We’re all dying, I might reply.  Or:

For someone who’s dying, you’ve outlived an awful lot of people.

But now I must take this notion seriously.  No more light hearted bantering.  He will grieve. His response to this diagnosis will be an attitude he owns.  It is not for me to dictate or project.

And as for me?  As selfish as it seems, I must be practical. Find out exactly how much money I will have in pensions each month, make projected budgets, determine which things need to be bought out or paid off now while there is still another income coming in.

There are funeral expenses.  How much will that be?  Will the life insurance cover it?  What about our debt?

He has agreed to cremation but I know in his heart he wants to buried and we do have the cemetery plots.  Will I be able to afford to bury him and still have enough to tide me over for the few months before the survivor’s pension and the income supplement kick in?

I need to be prepared.  And to help Chris prepare.  God help us both.

Yours truly,

Margaret Jean