caregiver’s lack of freedom

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. These words from the serenity prayer are familiar to many people. They make sense.

But as a caregiver, many times you feel hopeless to change anything about your current situation. For awhile, Viktor Frankl felt helpless to change his situation, too. Frankl was a German psychiatrist who spent several gruelling years imprisoned in Auschwitz.

Suffering the most cruel and humiliating deprivations, he observed: “…everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms–to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances,…”

Frankl spends a large part of his book, Man’s Search For Meaning discussing the issues of attitude and responsibilty. As caregivers, we sometimes have this responsibility thrust upon us.

Suddenly one or both parents are no longer capable of living on their own. Or perhaps severe illness suddenly strikes a spouse or a child, a sibling or a friend. Or a family member becomes the victim of an accident or crime.

When called upon to respond to these situations, people may sometimes feel a certain sadness, due to a loss of personal freedom, a life schism that was unanticipated. There are times when tempers flare and caregivers may wish to fight against the unfairness of the situation, or resist the restraints caregiving puts on them.

While the focus is on the patient, the caregiver struggles with feelings of inadequacy, disappointment and sometimes even resentment.

This is wholly natural, and bound to occur. However, once the initial shock wears off, it is important to recognize what it is within the situation that can be changed. One aspect that affords change and which will bring the most benefit to you and to your patient is your attitude.

Take a person who resents being a caregiver. Perhaps they were thrust into the situation, perhaps they felt they had no choice in the matter. This attitude will create a negative atmosphere for both the patient and the person caring for them.

The effect, however, will be most harmful for the one harbouring the bitterness: every day will be a new source of irritation, frustration and general bad feelings.

But if the care giver can bring themself to the attitude that it is important to be the one who is accompanying the patient on his last journey, that it is a journey that demands dignity, humour and kindness, the days will pass very differently for both the patient and the person caring for him.

As Frankl notes, in dire situations, it is not always what we expect of life that matters. As caregivers, we must ask ourselves, what does life expect of us?

And for each of us, Frankl believes,a ‘unique opportunity’ is presented when we find ourselves confronted with severely challenging situations; an opportunity to find in ourselves a previously unfathomed capacity to act with dignity, compassion and honour.

So I seem to think Chris, who is ill, has more freedom than I do as caregiver. But surely that is an oversimplification.

After all, he is a man, who, with diabetes and severe coronary artery disease, still gets up out of bed once or twice a week and goes out to appraisals, to check how things are going on the work site.

A man who always has and will still get breakfast if I have a morning meeting, or make himself a sandwich if I’m having lunch with friends.

Who really loves to have his coffee brought to him in bed, who wants me to sit and watch TV with him. Who in the past has enjoyed helping prepare and share meals.

And he seems to appreciate the cleaning and laundry that go with keeping a place up. So it’s not like he’s taking advantage of me.

Alma Vaugeois, a friend and clinical counselor, talked about Chris. Although he is very sick, he has not made illness his primary identity, she told me.

The way he has constructed his identity, including his illness but not entirely focused on it, there is a generosity in him. That and his deep sense of humour make him strong enough to allow you to be you, she said.

This will not be every caregiver’s experience, Alma added. Not everyone is like that. Some people who are very controlling will not be able to give their caregivers that support.

So it’s not about Chris, this sense of losing myself to the suction of the demands of his care. It’s more like I’m not making quite the right decisions.

That’s the issue that needs a closer examination. Now. Before his condition deteriorates and his needs escalate.

Yours truly

Margaret Jean.

Caregiver Me

Tag Archives: caregiver’s lack of freedom

Caregiver Attitude–The Courage To Change The Things I Can.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. These words from the serenity prayer are familiar to many people. They make sense.

But as a caregiver, many times you feel hopeless to change anything about your current situation. For awhile, Viktor Frankl felt helpless to change his situation, too. Frankl was a German psychiatrist who spent several gruelling years imprisoned in Auschwitz.

Suffering the most cruel and humiliating deprivations, he observed: “…everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms–to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances,…”

Frankl spends a large part of his book, Man’s Search For Meaning discussing the issues of attitude and responsibilty. As caregivers, we sometimes have this responsibility thrust upon us.

Suddenly one or both parents are no longer capable of living on their own. Or perhaps severe illness suddenly strikes a spouse or a child, a sibling or a friend. Or a family member becomes the victim of an accident or crime.

While the focus is on the patient, the caregiver struggles with feelings of inadequacy, disappointment and sometimes even resentment.

This is wholly natural, and bound to occur. However, once the initial shock wears off, it is important to recognize what it is within the situation that can be changed. One aspect that affords change and which will bring the most benefit to you and to your patient is your attitude.

Take a person who resents being a caregiver. Perhaps they were thrust into the situation, perhaps they felt they had no choice in the matter. This attitude will create a negative atmosphere for both the patient and the person caring for them.

The effect, however, will be most harmful for the one harbouring the bitterness: every day will be a new source of irritation, frustration and general bad feelings.

But if the care giver can bring themself to the attitude that it is important to be the one who is accompanying the patient on his last journey, that it is a journey that demands dignity, humour and kindness, the days will pass very differently for both the patient and the person caring for him.

As Frankl notes, in dire situations, it is not always what we expect of life that matters. As caregivers, we must ask ourselves, what does life expect of us?

And for each of us, Frankl believes,a ‘unique opportunity’ is presented when we find ourselves confronted with severely challenging situations; an opportunity to find in ourselves a previously unfathomed capacity to act with dignity, compassion and honour.

Losing a Sense of Myself–Who’s Responsible? Caregiver? Or Patient?

So I seem to think Chris, who is ill, has more freedom than I do as caregiver. But surely that is an oversimplification.

After all, he is a man, who, with diabetes and severe coronary artery disease, still gets up out of bed once or twice a week and goes out to appraisals, to check how things are going on the work site.

A man who always has and will still get breakfast if I have a morning meeting, or make himself a sandwich if I’m having lunch with friends.

Who really loves to have his coffee brought to him in bed, who wants me to sit and watch TV with him. Who in the past has enjoyed helping prepare and share meals.

And he seems to appreciate the cleaning and laundry that go with keeping a place up. So it’s not like he’s taking advantage of me.

Alma Vaugeois, a friend and clinical counselor, talked about Chris. Although he is very sick, he has not made illness his primary identity, she told me.

The way he has constructed his identity, including his illness but not entirely focused on it, there is a generosity in him. That and his deep sense of humour make him strong enough to allow you to be you, she said.

This will not be every caregiver’s experience, Alma added. Not everyone is like that. Some people who are very controlling will not be able to give their caregivers that support.

So it’s not about Chris, this sense of losing myself to the suction of the demands of his care. It’s more like I’m not making quite the right decisions.

That’s the issue that needs a closer examination. Now. Before his condition deteriorates and his needs escalate.

This Caregiver’s Journal began in August of 2014. Although the first blog article was actually written on New Year’s Day, 2015, the rest are in chronological order from August 5th, 2014. What is written here has gone before.