Nowadays many families experience a situation in which one or more members find themselves in the position of caregiver. And it’s Christmas! What better time to offer the gift of a helping hand.
Most people want to help, they just have no idea what to offer in view of their own time constraints.
If you really want to make a caregiver’s day, here are ten ways to do that. But before you call with offers of help, check your own schedule so that you know before hand when you can deliver on these offers.
Be specific. Decide what you are willing to provide: time sitting with the patient? Meals? Baking? Help with housecleaning or other chores? Running errands?
Bring or send flowers. Flowers brighten up any space, cheer up a sick room, and are a beautiful reminder that somebody loves you.
Phone first. Arrange the visit for a time when you can stay at least half an hour. Do not stay more than one hour. Spend at least some of your visit with the person being cared for.
If your intent is to spend time with the caregiver, stop and spend a few minutes with the ‘patient’, and then continue your visit in another room with the caregiver. This allows the caregiver to vent if necessary.
If you live far away or are busy with work and family and can’t help physically then send flowers, money or a gift card. Or arrange for a housekeeping service to come in once a week or twice a month.
Express appreciation. If you’re related to the person being cared for? Be grateful. And show it. Remember that old saying? But for the grace of God… Praise, if sincere, is nice to hear. It costs nothing and can make someone feel much better.
Be reliable. If you say you will help in some way, do so and do it at the time you stated. Caregivers are often weary, sometimes lonely and always overwhelmed, so be the bright, steady star in their lives—show up when you say you will. Bring what you said you would bring. And along with it? Your cheerful, smiling face.
Keep in touch. Caregivers often get left out of the family loop because they can’t get away to visit with relatives and friends, attend family events like birthdays and anniversaries and even casual get togethers. Phone them. Text them. Keep up with their facebook page. Let them know they are not alone in this.
If you’re internet savvy, offer to do on-line research for them. Maybe they need to find the palliative care/hospice alternatives in their community, or the parameters for these kinds of care. Maybe they’d like to know more about certain medications, or even caregiver associations or Red Cross equipment depots in their area.
Keep your own troubles away. Caregivers have enough to bear. If you’re visiting because you want a sympathetic ear, stay home. Find a counsellour or a different friend to confide in. Bring only your best face to the care home.
Many caregivers, especially spousal caregivers, are the person who has always hosted the family dinner. An exhausting undertaking when everyone is well, rested and fully functioning, the mere thought of the gathering can be enough to reduce a caregiver to tears.
You might think the family involved would make other arrangements. But when they consider the difficulty of moving the person with health issues to any other locale, away from the comfort of their bed, multiple medications and specially equipped rooms, they probably realize this is not in anyone’s best interest. So the default decision is to impose on the caregiver, in order to have what may be the last Christmas with this loved one.
As a caregiver, you have a responsibility to yourself, the patient, and your family and friends to ensure that this holiday event is enjoyable for everyone. Here are ten tips to help you do so with minimal stress.
DELEGATE: Optionally, this could be numbers 1 through 9. Choose one item of the dinner that you wouldn’t mind being responsible for and one thing only, and stick to it. If no-one else volunteers to bring anything, they will all be eating turkey or cheese straws or whatever your one thing is. Be very clear about this when talking to others.
MENU: Plan the menu with those who will be attending and make them responsible for every item except the one thing you have chosen to contribute.
GUESTS: Limit the attendees. If you know that cousin Jane will complain about the food and bring three bags of potato chips as her food contribution: well who really needs it? This is also probably not the time to introduce new people to the family scene.
VOLUNTEERS: Plan to have at least one person to come and decorate, and set the table the day before. Worst case scenario, if the person doesn’t show up? Forget the decorations. Light a few candles, have guests grab plates and cutlery from the kitchen.
VOLUNTEERS: Choose a capable friend or family member to come early. Have them check the bathrooms for cleanliness, towels and tissue. Ask them to greet people and co-ordinate food and drink as it arrives. This will free you up to attend to yours and your loved one’s needs in the time immediately preceding dinner.
VOLUNTEERS: Organize the clean up crew (previously mentioned volunteers should be excluded) who will load the dishwasher, put leftovers away, and/or send food home with the bringer.
YOU DECIDE: If at the end of the day, there is insufficient help to make the day do-able in your estimation, invite people to come for coffee and drinks only. Buy a few dozen cookies and tarts, or if you prefer, fruits like grapes and some select cheeses. Then ask people over for a specific day and time: (Saturday, Dec.24th, 1-3 p.m.)
ACCESS: Make sure the patient/spouse has a chance to see everyone, however briefly. Be aware of when they need a rest or when the conversation is too taxing.
APPRECIATION: Even though you will feel tired when all of this over, you will feel renewed by the spirit of co-operation and giving that has made this Christmas special. Thank everyone for helping to make the dinner a joyful success.
LET IT BE: The key to a perfect day is this: whatever happens is meant to be. Relax into the day. Know that whatever doesn’t get done won’t matter. Your house isn’t immaculate? No-one expects it to be. You look tired and disheveled? People know how challenging your journey is. What they want is to connect with you in a meaningful way, and by letting them participate in the planning and the cooking, you are giving them a marvellous opportunity to express the Christmas Spirit. Relax. It’s a NO GUILT DAY.
Happiness is not something that occurs on its own when there are no bad things happening. It is our ability to find joy amidst the tragic, to add colour and life to the mundane, to find meaning in maintenance. Suzanne Clydesdale.
Chris brought in the New Year saying the rosary. Around twenty after twelve I woke. Looking at the time, I turned and hugged him and said, You made it! You made it to 2015!
People often express sympathy for me, caring for a loved one who is leaving this world. Sympathy is not necessary.
You see, Suzanne Clydesdale is right about finding “meaning in maintenance”. Being able to take this journey with someone you truly care about? Is a gift, not a burden.
Not that there aren’t problems or concerns. But there is growth, there is recognition. There is a new and fresh perspective.
I see how precious my own health is. How much it needs nurturing. How a healthy body is a key to a happy and productive long life.
I realize how forces beyond our control—genetics, environment and other external forces—can change our lives in an instant. And that realization fills me with knowledge of the beauty and frailty of every moment of our existence.
I see how love encourages, refreshes, comforts and challenges us. How words and actions, no matter how humble, how common-place, can make an amazing difference in someone’s day.
Dying is a journey, and I am watching someone bravely advance in that journey day after day. It is my privilege to be at his side.
If I did not want to be here, then I would need your sympathy.
This Caregiver’s Journal began in August of 2014. Although the first blog article was actually written on New Year’s Day, 2015, the rest are in chronological order from August 5th, 2014. What is written here has gone before.
Caregiver Me 